I sometimes wonder where all these days are disappearing to. How on earth are the days turning into months, into years. Flying, just flying by right in front of us, not a thing we can do to slow it down. Sometimes I look to our non-married, non-baby friends and wonder if they know what is ahead. The love, the journey, all the good they are missing out on…and all the chaos.
Chaos is the best way I know how to explain my life in the last two years. We struggle to keep structure, to keep a clean house, a happy toddler, a sink empty of dirty dishes, laundry maintained, gas in the truck, on time for just about anything…all of these things we could have never imagined losing control of years ago. Along the way we have changed. I have changed. I’m not ashamed to admit that I am very likely not the same woman you fell in love with all those years ago. We we’re babies our selves, we grew together, we got married, bought houses, traveled, we were ride of die, best friends, meant for each other. We started a family; we wanted this life, so badly. We wanted all of it. Nothing has changed there, there is still nothing more we want than days filled with our sweet little boy. The thing is, we had no idea what would come along with it.
Exhaustion. Frustration. A lack of patience. No one tells you that the biggest change of becoming a parent will be balancing your marriage among all of the other responsibilities you now have. No one tells you that your exhaustion and lack of patience for your whining and screaming toddler will make you lash out at eachother, for absolutely no reason. I was prepared to be a mom…I read a dozen books, I googled just about everything, I bought all the things on the registry list, I created a beautiful nursery, bought all the cutest clothes for our boy, we even baby proofed our whole house. I had high expectations, I knew this was something I needed to be great at. I wasn’t about to fail my biggest accomplishment. So, I put my head down, it was game time and I was ready to go. Put me in coach, I got this! I did so great at becoming a mom, that I forgot to be a wife.
I forgot. I forgot to be the same girl you fell in love with so many years ago. I forgot to introduce you to the new woman I had become, to the changes that my body had made for me. I forgot that as much as this little boy needed me now, that he also needed me to love you. Along the way, we both forgot that among all of this chaos, all of these changes, that this is just a moment in time. We have forgotten to look back, and even more so, to look ahead. We get caught up, in the moments of angst, exhaustion, frustration or whatever else may be on the agenda for the day. Money is tight, life is busy, work is demanding. Wake up, daycare drop off, work, daycare pick up, home, dinner, bedtime routine, tv, bed…it looks fairly similar each and every day.
But, still in those little moments, I catch a glimpse of us. The old us. And yet, the old us is a bit new. A bit more mature, but still able to have a good time. A bit wiser, a bit more seasoned, but still there we are. Still laughing at each others un-funny jokes, I catch you dancing in the side of my eye, clearly busting a move to make me laugh. I hear you from the other room “Babe, what can I get for you?”…I walk past you and I can feel your eyes still looking my way, even in those moments where I don’t feel beautiful, you still have a way of making me feel that way. On a quick overnight mommy and daddy trip away, you smirk across from the dinner table, with the words “We still got it” coming from your mouth…We do. We still got it.
We don’t have it all. I still have so much to learn about balance. About letting things go. About being ok with a lack of control of life. We will never have it all. But I have you, and you have me, and together, we still got it. It won’t always be pretty, but it will always be worth it. It’s going to be rough in moments, but in 15 years, I still see us, together, celebrating our family accomplishments, I still see us dancing at our sons wedding, celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, sharing those little moments where the old us, will still be there.
Until then, amid the chaos, amid the frustration, arguments and exhaustion, take a moment to look for the old us, cause babe…we still got it.