To my husband, among the chaos.

I  sometimes wonder where all these days are disappearing to. How on earth are the days turning into months, into years. Flying, just flying by right in front of us, not a thing we can do to slow it down. Sometimes I look to our non-married, non-baby friends and wonder if they know what is ahead. The love, the journey, all the good they are missing out on…and all the chaos.

Chaos is the best way I know how to explain my life in the last two years. We struggle to keep structure, to keep a clean house, a happy toddler, a sink empty of dirty dishes, laundry maintained, gas in the truck, on time for just about anything…all of these things we could have never imagined losing control of years ago. Along the way we have changed. I have changed. I’m not ashamed to admit that I am very likely not the same woman you fell in love with all those years ago. We we’re babies our selves, we grew together, we got married, bought houses, traveled, we were ride of die, best friends, meant for each other. We started a family; we wanted this life, so badly. We wanted all of it. Nothing has changed there, there is still nothing more we want than days filled with our sweet little boy. The thing is, we had no idea what would come along with it.

Exhaustion. Frustration. A lack of patience. No one tells you that the biggest change of becoming a parent will be balancing your marriage among all of the other responsibilities you now have. No one tells you that your exhaustion and lack of patience for your whining and screaming toddler will make you lash out at eachother, for absolutely no reason. I was prepared to be a mom…I read a dozen books, I googled just about everything, I bought all the things on the registry list, I created a beautiful nursery, bought all the cutest clothes for our boy, we even baby proofed our whole house. I had high expectations, I knew this was something I needed to be great at. I wasn’t about to fail my biggest accomplishment. So, I put my head down, it was game time and I was ready to go. Put me in coach, I got this! I did so great at becoming a mom, that I forgot to be a wife.

I forgot. I forgot to be the same girl you fell in love with so many years ago. I forgot to introduce you to the new woman I had become, to the changes that my body had made for me. I forgot that as much as this little boy needed me now, that he also needed me to love you. Along the way, we both forgot that among all of this chaos, all of these changes, that this is just a moment in time. We have forgotten to look back, and even more so, to look ahead. We get caught up, in the moments of angst, exhaustion, frustration or whatever else may be on the agenda for the day. Money is tight, life is busy, work is demanding. Wake up, daycare drop off, work, daycare pick up, home, dinner, bedtime routine, tv, bed…it looks fairly similar each and every day.

But, still in those little moments, I catch a glimpse of us. The old us. And yet, the old us is a bit new. A bit more mature, but still able to have a good time. A bit wiser, a bit more seasoned, but still there we are. Still laughing at each others un-funny jokes, I catch you dancing in the side of my eye, clearly busting a move to make me laugh. I hear you from the other room “Babe, what can I get for you?”…I walk past you and I can feel your eyes still looking my way, even in those moments where I don’t feel beautiful, you still have a way of making me feel that way. On a quick overnight mommy and daddy trip away, you smirk across from the dinner table, with the words “We still got it” coming from your mouth…We do. We still got it.

We don’t have it all. I still have so much to learn about balance. About letting things go. About being ok with a lack of control of life. We will never have it all. But I have you, and you have me, and together, we still got it. It won’t always be pretty, but it will always be worth it. It’s going to be rough in moments, but in 15 years, I still see us, together, celebrating our family accomplishments, I still see us dancing at our sons wedding, celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, sharing those little moments where the old us, will still be there.

Until then, amid the chaos, amid the frustration, arguments and exhaustion, take a moment to look for the old us, cause babe…we still got it.

The truest love.

After one full week of 100% health…my boy is sick again. I don’t know how much my heart can take watching him suffer like thIs. I’ll keep this one brief…I’m currently laying on the floor next to his crib, in a makeshift bed beside an insanely cold humidifier listening to him breathe. I should be sleeping. But this is more comforting. A love like no other. No one can prepare you for ever feeling like this. My heart actually aches listening to him cough Or whine in discomfort.

Keep your fingers crossed for us tonight. It’s going to be a LONG 10 hours before sunrise.

M.b.

Just another case of the Winter Flu…

I wish I could explain my frustration through a keyboard. My little boy has been sick straight (minus one week over christmas) since Halloween. Allow me to remind you that it’s now January. I can’t even begin to comprehend. People told me daycare sickness would happen…no one in the world told me that it would happen, and that your child would never then be healthy ever again. This poor kid has seen it all. Pneumonia, stomach bug after stomach bug, cold, flu, you name it.

My body and I tried to fight it all off…but today it hit with a vengeance. Hey lady over there barely stayinG afloat in your sea of chaos…take this. Thanks world. You win.

So here I am asking for your best natural treatments to boost toddlers immune systems. C’s has been hit so hard this winter I’m pretty certain it will take a small miracle to get him back to normal. Multivitamins safe for under 2? Any you know of? Experiences with dealing with daycare sickness? Please lord help me. Haha.

Otherwise we’ve just been trying to keep the same old rise and grind sort of lifestyle over here. Paper and Pearls (my small business) has grown beyond belief and I am SO proud and SO busy…hah…but it’s worth it all. We’ve really made such great headway with our method and concepts of business. I’ve truly put zero investment into this business and have watched it grow faster than I could have ever imagined. It’s unbelievable. 2015 is going to be a big year for us. New things, new goals.

Resolutions. What are your guys thoughts on resolutions? I normally don’t believe in that sort of thing. I consider it a fad. But this year my whole concept and plan for 2015 was something I’ve always strayed away from. Things I started and never kept up or things I wanted to do but never committed. I broke my own rule and opened myself up to the idea. So, you ask, my resolution? This year…I’m going to become an adult. Yup. Pretty simple right? 27 year old me has decided that it’s time to grow up. I need to get life insurance. I need to get rrsp and savings set up for our future. I need to stop swearing. (I created swear jars at work and at home…best thing I could have ever done. The first week made me SO aware of how often I relied on using swear words!) I need to decorate my home, I need to figure out how to clean more efficiently. I need to be a nicer person to strangers. And more so than anything I need to follow MY own goals instead of wanting to be where everyone else is. Instagram, Facebook,  etc…it’s SO easy to get caught up in this crazy frenzy of wanting everyone’s life. Those incredible small businesses you follow…Their perfect instagram picture of their coffee on their pretty desk with the perfect accessories and little details. Well guess what. That will never be me. You wanna know why? Because it’s NOT me. Its them. It’s their lives. I find myself all too often setting goals based on other people’s successes. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds out loud? What, is my OWN success or my own version of success not good enough? I hate competition. Can you believe that after everything I’ve been successful at, I still don’t consider myself successful? I bought my first house at 19 year old. I married my high school sweet heart at 24. I graduated university. I started my career at 18. I bought my second house at 23. I gave birth to a beautiful little boy at 25. I started a cake business from scratch at 21…it was beyond successful. So much so that I had to close it down 3 years later because I couldn’t keep up and had to make a choice between my HR job and my cake business. I started a prints business in December 2013 by fluke. In less than a year we’ve done easily over 15k in net sales alone, no investments made, and marketing ONLY on instagram. I did this. I did all of it. And yet I find myself lost at the idea of finding success when browsing through instagram posts. ‘Why can’t I do that? Gosh she looks like she really has it all together’.  Ridiculous right? So anyway. All that to say that I’ve decided 2015 is it. Time to grow up. After all…I’m a momma now. I want him to grow up to see a strong confident woman, someone who never let go of her dreams. Someone who believes in hard work and success. Someone who is proper yet silly. I need to be more silly in 2015.

Alright kids, I started writing this as I popped a halls throat losenger in my mouth…it’s long gone now. And I need to get to bed before I need another!

Xo

M.b

Myoplasma Pneumonia…ah gee thanks.

6 weeks of sickness, 5 different doctors, 1 pediatrician, advil galore…a cough,  a stomach flu, a cold,  a fever of 102.

Finally. 6 weeks later a doctor FINALLY provides us with some type of diagnosis and antibiotics. Here’s hoping. Little C finally slept a bit better last night, completely off schedule, but that’s the least of my concerns right now. I tried to give him his antibiotic this morning…it’s disgusting and gritty and chalky…do you know how impossible it is to get a 17 month old babe to take something that has a grit and chalk like substance to it? This is going to be a brutal 7 days.

Please say a little prayer for us, we just need to get through the next few days before he starts feeling more like himself. 5 more days till Christmas! Hopefully he is better by then!!!

Xo

M.b

Food for thought.

Have you ever put a lot of thought into why something wasn’t working…and then suddenly realize that the very thing you are trying to succeed at, is the very thing you’re doing SO wrong?

Becoming a momma has been challenging for me…to say the least. I want to believe that I’m just super hard on myself, like most moms are. And I think when it comes down to it, that is the truth, but I can’t help but see things differently sometimes. Last night while I was driving home I found myself wondering why it is that I can’t seem to get it all together. Then it dawned on me. I’m trying SO hard to be that “got it all together” mom…that I’m doing that very last important part wrong…I’m not just being a MOM. I’m trying to be a career woman, a good wife, a business owner, a house cleaner, a doctor, a do-it-yourself-er, a multitask-er and everything else in between WHILE being a mom…but yet, I’m not just BEING a mom. I seem to qualify my success based on how well I can juggle everything, instead of how loving, caring and present I am for little C. Instead of just letting it all go and just BEING there, instead of just being present and going with the swing of things, loving my little boy and enjoying these crazy chaotic days for what they are, I am so wrapped up in my next “to-do” or that never ending list in my head of projects that need to get accomplished. In my mind, a successful momma is one who can manage it all, with grace. I’m holding myself to such a high standard that I’m disappointing myself, and everything comes crashing down.

Since when is being a professional multitask-er, house cleaner, wife, mom, doctor, business owner, and career woman ALL at the same time, SUCCESSFULLY, the only thing that can be considered success? I’m setting myself up for failure every single morning. I find myself frustrated when things don’t fall into my plan…When C doesn’t eat dinner, I consider it my own failure…”WHY, He ate last night!!?? He won’t sleep well, he’ll be up hungry!”…It’s even more embarrassing writing that than it sounded in my head. My husband doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, or leaves his dishes in the living room…”Ugh, can he not just put them in the sink”…honestly Meghan…chill out.

Last night was a reality check for me. We hit the lovely 18 month regression. I don’t even know what that is, or whether I should even believe it (they have a name for every single damn phase that it just gets exhausting…I feel like it’s just a way for parents to justify their insanity for a few weeks). C had a stomach flu and a cold for the last few weeks…he’s over that now, but hitting terrible two’s early, and was up for 3.5 hours last night from 2:30 am till 6am…for no reason. My eyes are still burning. I felt like the world was standing there looking me in the face laughing…”this doesn’t fall into your plan, does it Meg?…And that man you fell in love with 12 years ago? He’s getting tired of your frustration.” My biggest fault…Control.

So here I am, baring it all to the world – it helps me clear my mind. And is way cheaper than a psychologist. KIDDING! So, momma-to-be’s or new mommas…brace yourself and learn these three words before you get too far into it…”Let It Be!” My biggest piece of advice for mommas who battle with their lack of control… Let it be momma. One day I know I will miss my little boy needing me to cuddle him to sleep at 6am…One day I’ll miss waking up beside him, because he refused to sleep in his own crib. One day I hope I can look back and realize that this too was just a phase…this too shall pass.

Let it be.

m.b.

To my unmarried / childless girlfriends ♡

Let me start by saying that I miss you in my life. Don’t take my lack of time to respond to your texts as me not wanting to include you in my world. Truth is, I want more of you in my life…but I have my hands full over here. I thought it was time I explain myself.

I remember those days all too well…no real responsibilities other than being at work on time and trying to eat real food every once and a while. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dumbing down your current life. You know those moments you look back to high school and think ‘gosh remember when we thought our biggest problems were what we were going to wear to the high school dance and what boy would date us’?…this is sort of how I look back to my pre-baby pre-married life days. I get it, you can come and go as you please, you don’t have accountability to anyone other than yourself, and truthfully, there will be no real consequences if you just do as you please for 24 hours with no care in the world. I would love nothing more than to jump on that ship with you, drink lattes all day, spend hours just wandering around the mall for fun, I would love to ‘go grab drinks’ at 9 pm downtown…but if we’re throwing it all out there, by 9 pm on some nights, my husband doesn’t even stand a chance at getting lucky cause I’m usually either still working or exhausted. One thing I’ve learnt that can sum everything up? Being a momma is serious business. It’s not that I don’t WANT to see you, it’s that I truthfully don’t have an extra hour in the day to fit you in…that sounds rude, but I promise you it’s not. Let me tell you how much I appreciate you…

The day I got engaged, I learned more about my group of close friends than you can imagine. Going through the wedding planning and getting married I learnt even more. Throw getting pregnant and having a baby into the mix…I cut my friend list into 1/4 just learning things about people. So YOU…dear friend, I appreciate you. More than you know. I appreciate that you’ve stuck around for the ride of MY life, even though it wasn’t the ride of yours. I appreciate that you stuck beside me even when I was Giganto and hormonal and then when I was zombie like for 4 months straight. I appreciate you trying to get me out of house, even though you had no idea that it was impossible for me to do so. And those little things you do for my little boy, those little texts you send to see how HE is doing and that you miss HIM? They make my whole world more than you know. A lot of people can’t wrap their heads around it until it’s them, but when you have a babe, they are in every possible way part of your being. They’re more important than you will ever be yourself as ‘momma’. So thank you for showering him with your love and being a great Auntie or Uncle. It makes me love you and our friendship 100 times more than you can imagine.

 

So you want to know the truth? The questions you’ve asked, the times you’ve tried to drag me out of the house…’it’ll be good for you’…and the times you’ve shaken your head in disbelief in what my life consists of now? The answer is no. No, dear friend, I wouldn’t change it. Not for everything or anything. I actually adore my new life. Maybe it doesn’t always seem peachy keen…it’s no one’s ideal to run around after a snotty toddler, fighting to wipe his nose (legit what I just did as typing that sentence) but the look on that kids face as he fake sneezes to make his momma laugh at 8:30am after the nose wipe…oh my heart. No, my hubby and I aren’t ‘what we used to be’. In fact, I have no idea if we ever will be. But I know I love that man more than anything in the world, and I know neither one of us are going anywhere…allow me to remind you that it’s not about us anymore. No. I don’t miss my ‘old life’. My old life seems so meaningless now,  so selfish, so purposeless. You to will feel this way when you become a momma too. Yes, my husband and I still have a great sex life, thanks for your concern? We’re parents, not elderly. How do I balance it all? Work, mommy life, being a good wife, and owning a business? I just do. I’m not ‘taking on too much’…I have just as many hours in a day as Beyonce,  in fact, so do you, we just fill them with different things, that’s all.

So, stick with me. A few more years. When I don’t reply to your text quick enough, remember this post. I do love you,  I really do. I promise I’ll be back, one day! And I promise to stick with you when it’s your turn, I won’t turn my back, and I’ll be the best Auntie to your sweet little babe (s)…promise!

I have a little boy throwing muffin around my nice clean rug…’uh oh!!!’ As he purposely throws it on the floor…gotta go!

♡ don’t forget about me, I still got it, it’s just hidden beneath my new mommy and wifey cape!

M.b.

Hospital Bag Packin’

Baby prep is serious business. Have you ever looked at one of those lists and thought “damn…I’m so unprepared!” Worry not, new momma! We’ve got you covered.

Believe it or not, you do not need hundreds of odds and ends to make it through three or so days in the hospital with your new bundle of love. But there are somethings that people won’t tell you about…are you ready for this? Here we go.

For momma..

  • Sweat pants…not cute lululemon ones, not the ones that are velour, or fitted. I’m sad to tell you that even though in your mind you may be thinking “Oh, these will fit me ok once baby is born.” it’s not true. Your itty-bitty body DOES return, but not like magic, and not the next day…so pack something that isn’t going to make that yummy mommy blob of a baby belly once baby is not longer in there, look even more blob-like. On top of that…do you have any idea as to how big those pads are they make you wear for the first 24 hours? Giganto! They we’re almost the length of my whole arm, and about as wide as my thigh. It’s nearly impossible to hide that thing under a pair of fitted sweat pants.
  • Comfy t-shirts, and a ZIP UP hoodie (if you’re planning on breastfeeding, makes it much easier than completely undressing to get to those feeding parts).
  • On that topic, if you’re planning on breastfeeding…heres a bit of what you will need… Nursing tank top. nursing bra, nipple cream (use it even if there is little to no pain or discomfort at the beginning…trust me on this!) Nursing pads and a nursing pillow…will make the transition of hospital feeding / at home feeding easier for you!
  • Pads…you will want normal pads as quickly as possible. Cause like I mentioned, those hospital things they give you…well, they should be illegal. Awful. So buy yourself a pack of overnight / heavy pads. Check with your doctor or nurse before you switch over, but normally after the first 15-24 hours, you can start using regular ones, instead of the monster sized hospital ones.
  • Ugly black underwear. Just trust me. Go to your local target or walmart, and pick yourself up some full-bum black underwear. You’ll thank me later.
  • Stool softeners…I told you this was going to be what others would tell you, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Just buy some. The hospital will provide you with some for while you’re in the hospital, but just do yourself the favor and have them ready for when you get home. Go ahead and pack them, just incase the hospital doesn’t provide them to you.
  • Lipgloss, mascara…how self absorbed so I sound saying that? You’re going to have visitors, you’re going to take pictures, and most importantly, you’ve been through a LOT so making yourself feel as normal as possible is a good option to have, if you’re up for it. A little bit of mascara and lipgloss can go a long way. On top of that, lip CHAP is good to have, as you’re lips make get a bit dry through labour and delivery. (Why is that, anyway?)
  • Regular every day essentials, toothbrush, make up remover, brush, soap, shampoo and condition incase you’re there for more than a day and want to shower up (delivery is gross lol).

For baby

  • Newborn PJ’s and onesies, preferably the ones with the little overflap mitten option so you don’t have to try to manage to keep little mittens on your new bundle. Try to go for the zipper ones, don’t bother yourself with all those snaps and buttons in the first few days, just make your life easy.
  • Swaddle blankets….I loved the ones with the velcro!
  • A cozy blanket – not too warm, but thicker than a swaddle blanket.
  • Mittens, if you don’t have the pj’s that have the mitten option as mentioned above
  • Minimal diapers / wipes…the hospital will likely provide these, but it’s not a bad decision to have a few spares on hand if you have the space in the bag.
  • Soothers, if you’re going that route. I would recommend the Soothie soother…they were my fave! (and you can transition to an adorable WubbaNub around 3 months when they can figure out how to grab it themselves!)
  • The hospital will likely provide you with everything else you need for baby, diaper cream (vaseline…I’ll discuss that on another post), diapers, wipes, shampoo / baby body wash for the first bath, etc..

For Dad

  • Sweat pants, a few fresh t-shirts, hoodie.
  • Toothbrush and daily essentials
  • A baseball hat, if he’s that type of guy
  • His own pillow. Listen, I know us momma’s go through a lot during this whole process, but the “beds” they give our hubbys are barely even considered chairs…bring your hubby his own pillow, he will thank you for it.

For both of you

  • Snacks! I gave birth at 3:31am…did you know that when you get settled into your recovery room, the cafeteria MAY not be opened at 4am like you would have hoped? Pack some granola bars, some fruit snacks, anything that won’t go back in a suit case for a few weeks, it’s worth it! Goldfish crackers, anyone? You’ll thank me at 5am 😉
  • Cash – change and small bills, throw them in your bag now so you aren’t stressing out about not having some the day of.

Pretty simple huh? Don’t forget the car seat! You’ve got this momma, now start packin!